I am doing much better. Cherries from the farmers market are good. Michael and I made jumbo prawns and pea shoots with spicy tomato sweet and sour sauce. Very tasty. That is all. Thank you and goodnight.

“Ultimately, I find consciousness a fascinating predicament for matter to get into.” –Diane Ackerman from An Alchemy of Mind

Yes, the mind is a strange thing…it is currently getting me into all sorts of trouble. I am studying some really interesting neuroscientific literature at the moment and that is soothing and stimulating my mind. My work is frustrating my mind which is largely due to the fact that I am having a tremendously difficult time these days relating to people. There are many struggles and traumas in my world at the moment. The past two posts I’ve written have been cryptic and negative and I want to explain that a bit.
I am confused about the direction of my life and that is the fundamental problem. That is a frustrating predicament in which to find oneself, but it will unfold as things usually do and I’m not too worried, just uncomfortable with the undercurrent of confusion.
What is more sad and difficult than that is the fact that several key people in my life have produced some startling actions of late (the past few months) that have made me feel rejected, belittled and shut out of their hearts. In these cases, I have specifically requested reassurance that they care for me and recieved what feels like the complete opposite.
Recently, I pretty much fell apart more than I have fallen apart before. I had an interaction with someone very dear to my heart that left me completely non-functional. I can’t be more specific, as this will soon become public information, but I am sick of writing blog enteries that are clever, funny anecdotes. This is really what’s going on in my life and I will just try to appropriately censor these words. So, after this thing that happened, I ended up in the rose garden next to my work crying and shaking for a couple hours. My world felt like it had been crushed but only until I called one of my support people here.
I don’t have a lot of close friends here in the bay. I have two people that I am close enough to that I feel comfortable calling when I am freaking out. Two people beyond Michael. Michael was on his way home from work stuck in traffic and one of my support people is in Eugene. So, I called the other one and soon felt that my life’s dramas were small. The friend I called informed me that a mutual friend (the guy she had been dating) had lost his mother earlier in the day. This friend and his mom had been on bad terms for many years and the last time they spoke it was a screming-match over the phone. Early in the morning she had been mowed over by a back-hoe. Once you hear something like that you count all of your blessings. I was still upset but instead of getting further upset, I called my mom, told her about things that had happened and that I love her, and brought a pizza to my friend who had lost his mom.
He was very grateful to have friends taking care of them and it was good to be able to help him. I am still very upset though. I am upset to the point that I could scarecely talk to Michael about what was upsetting me. After going home all I could do was sit and cry while he slept. The point of all of this though is that I am coming up with nil energy to deal with my personal problems. I feel all tapped-out and exhausted which is all the harder when I can’t really talk to some of the people I used to count on. I feel like I am shutting down and pulling away from everyone. I feel myself becoming very work-centric and unable (and undesiring) of communication with others. I figured that if I posted this, many of you could understand that I am not ignoring you by not calling and that I love having all of you in my life. I just don’t know what to say anymore. I also thought that if I couldn’t talk to people much right now, it would be good at least to write something down.
There are various other things going on as well that render me incapable of functionality; strange health problems, work-related drama/abuses of power, the dog being injured and financial distress. On the upside, I have gotten two cool job offers in the past week that could very well pan out and give my life some cool directions. They are both jobs where I would be creating Pilates programs. One is for a prominent chiroprator and the other for a dance/art/health center type deal. If I take both of them I could probably easily distract myslef and feed the good old workaholism.
The neuroscience stuff is really great too and I will keep posting the books I read.

Well, I’m back in Oakland and throughly confused…about everything. I don’t know if anyone reads this anymore, but I am at a point where I am failing to know exactly what to do in any way shape or form, so I might as well write. I also intend to write some travel stories that I left out before. I hope that there are still some of you out there…