Filed under: Snake Face
On saturday I slept next to the ocean. The waves pounded on my brain as I fell asleep and gave me the kind of calm and understanding that is ultimately elusive. I understood right then. I understood that I had been dishonest, that I had held my deepest, most essential desires inside. And I knew that the seclusion and dishonesty about my needs and feelings was the detrimental element that killed things. And I knew that it had been a reaction to how closed off he had been. At the time, it made so much sense and I finally felt okay and slept without difficulty and without the assault of nightmares.
Now it makes no sense again. I live with a constant stream of film-quality images from our years together playing in my head. It feels like a emptying of my mind. It has come to a lull a bit lately, but only if I fiercely distract myself which is what I’ve taken to doing as much as possible. Part of me thinks it is necessary and good. I understand that there was a huge delay in this feeling of loss and that it didn’t really come until all was lost. That could partially account for the intensity of the images. I think that I was numb for many years and it took one particularly verisimilar event to bring my feelings back into perspective.
I have developed some survival tactics which involve:
1. playing music as much as possible
2. writing this down so that I don’t go numb
3. Going for idiotically fast runs around the Mission most mornings while listening to hardcore things like Manowar, Bad Religion, Slayer, the Melvins, Gwar.
4. making a show (involves dancing and choreographing)
5. moving into a place where I will save ridiculous amounts of money so that I can go travel.
****NOTE: I think this blog post is dumb and insufficiently expresses the things that I have been thinking and feeling. I am going to post it anyway because it is the best I can do at the moment. There was a movie screened in Dolores park last night and I went to hang out with my friends and a bottle of Jameson.
****NOTE: I have been in a hideously venomous mood this week. If any one has felt any of the affects of that venom, I apologize. I should probably be in seclusion right now. Truly, I was a real bitch tuesday, wednesday and thursday.
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